I work at a retail clothing store.
I see a lot of very thin women every day, but yesterday I saw a woman who I could only describe as "extreme thinspiration."
A walking corpse, really.
One of the thinnest women I've ever seen who wasn't lying in her deathbed.
I let her into the fitting room and watched as she modeled outfit after outfit to her average-sized friend.
She was swimming in the smallest size we carry.
I tried not to stare at her bones.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about her.
I'm not even entirely sure why.
A part of me wanted her, and a part of me wanted to be her.
But a part of me wanted to throw up on her.
I wondered if she had an eating disorder, what she saw when she looked in the mirror.
I wondered, if I touched her, would her skin feel cold?
How do her bones feel?
It made me question why I had once aimed to have a body like her, when I, in a more stable state of mind can't even decide whether I find her attractive or repulsive.
Why did I want that? Why does a part of me still want that?
And then it occurred to me that she had been on my mind all day. She still is.
When was the last time I thought about a stranger of average weight for this long, this in-depth?
When was the last time I couldn't help but stare at a woman the entire time she was in my presence? I'm a straight female.
When was the last time I saw a woman so striking?
It's as if she was breathtakingly beautiful if only for the fact that she barely existed.
Her body, her eyes, her smile, they're all etched into my mind.
The average-sized friend? I couldn't even tell you her hair color.
And as sad as it is, THAT'S why.