Monday, April 18, 2011

This is where I finally say something about my ED.

Friday night-
Yeah, we bought drugs.
B actually got ripped off out of a few hundred dollars at work. Nothing but a bunch of fucking unprofessional, underhanded scumbags, but I digress. Means we had to sorta take it easy.
We picked up a friend of ours, J(male) and took him to go get drugs, too. We obviously bought more for ourselves at that time, despite our financial situation. When you are high the only financial situation that exists is not having enough money to get a little higher. Doesn't matter if we need money for food or gas or bills. That money can always be acquired "later, tomorrow, or the next time I'm not high." I cant help but love that attitude, despite how many times it's fucked me over.
As if the karma gods were looking down upon us, we got a flat tire.
Have I mentioned J smokes crack? And that he had crack and crack-related paraphernalia with him in the car? Yeah, I guess this is about the time that little bit of info becomes relevant. We had booze, too. Apparently when it's 3 AM and you're the only car on the road and you pull over in an empty parking lot you become a target for the cops.
I wasn't too worried about it. It's not in my nature. However B and J, who are both seven years older than me, and have a little more experience in the world, were freaking out despite being high. (J is also paranoid as fuck because, well, he's a crackhead.) We threw out the opened bottles and put the unopened ones in the trunk and J hid his crack.
Two friends, J(female) and M ended up picking us up. J(female) demanded to know if we had drugs. She would NOT have given us a ride if we said yes. Of course we said no, B and I weren't even lying. J(male) thinks he has the right to lie because the world revolves around him, but that's a story for another day. I would've lied too in this case.
Long story short, J(female) and M got B and me home, and we spent the rest of our night (until about 7 AM) fucking around. It was really fucking hot but I'll spare you the details. Went to bed still high, which is the only way to go bed, to be honest with you.
He should be getting those couple hundred bucks he's owed today, so no guarantees we won't blow that on drugs as soon as I'm out of work. The temptation is so overwhelming. The feeling we're's not euphoria. It's....satiation.

Next time, if you want, I'll spare you the details of my junkie escapades as well. I know that can get boring to anyone who can't relate. You are mainly ED sufferers, so on a related note:

My eating has been out of control this weekend. I know I'm recovering, so I can't not eat, but I shouldn't binge either, right? Couldn't that trigger me?
It's mainly because we don't have the money for groceries. We end up eating shit at home (ramen, easy mac, etc.) and eating shit when we go out (chips at the gas station, fast food, etc.)
My measurements haven't gone up and I don't feel like I've gained, but I do feel guilty about it. Still.
I shouldn't have the right to do this, in my mind.
Yesterday at 3 PM I looked down and realized I was eating easy mac and drinking a beer. Seriously? Who is this person in my body eating all this shit?
I really don't know what to do about it. I want to stop eating, but I really can't. Because of my mental health, because I need to be strong, but mainly because of B. I can't hurt myself. Except for a handful of isolated incidents I stopped purposely doing things to hurt myself as soon as I knew B wanted me to be his. I knew it would hurt him. And it does. The few times I've admitted purging to him since we've been together I could tell he was hurt. He wanted to make me all better, but he didn't know how.
Last September he was admitted to the hospital because of an ongoing medical problem he has, and we couldn't see each other that weekend like we had planned (for a long time we had a long distance relationship.) I was really upset, and he texted me something that was meant as a joke, but I got really hurt by it, broke down, and cut.
I told him a few weeks later and the way it hurt him hurt way worse than what he said and the cut put together. He still thinks he did it to me. That it might as well have been his hand that brought the knife across my skin.
In the moments I did it I think that is what I wanted, sick twisted little girl that I am. I thought "This is good, when he finds out about this he will learn an important lesson about how I deserve to be treated. About what words can really do."
I am an idiot. Hurting myself to teach someone else a lesson. It was only the way I justified it, not the reason I did it, but still. Stupid, and petty. And let me tell you something. The truth is, he treats me a million times better than I deserve. He treats me like a goddess. I am SO lucky. He is very honestly amazing.
And that is why I need to be strong and not let my ED take me back. Because he will suffer more than I will, and I can't stand to see him hurt. It kills me. I love him so much.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you are fighting against your ED. You are strong for doing it. :)