I am an idiot and you can disregard my last post. The one about me complaining like "oh-I-am-so-tired-and-I-don't-know-why?" Yeah, I was dope sick. I do such an effective job lying to myself about how bad my boyfriend and I have let our habit get that I actually FORGET that I get dope sick. Every time it happens I'm like "huhh....whas goin onnnnn?" like an asshole until my guy gets home and is like "We need to get a pill or something, I feel like shit." I'm such a pathetic person.
And I'm really scared, you guys.
Last night when he came home he told me he considered buying a pill and not telling me. Just doing it himself.
He didn't, and I'm glad he told me even though it really did kind of hurt.
But I understand. I have to.
He was sick. Drugs are terrible. It's evil.
They fuck everything up.
It doesn't matter that he loves me and that I'm sick too because it's drugs, and drugs don't give a fuck who you are in love with.
I guess I have to look at it as if I was in his shoes. If I had money coming in and I could do it, I might consider it too. How many times have I considered not eating, or purging, and just not telling him? I could get away with it. I know it's different, because he's never been ED, but the concept is the same. Deceit.
I want to say didn't know it was this bad. I guess I was trying to put it out of my mind.
We need to stop before we start lying to each other. We need to stop anyway.
We had a long talk about it at the laundromat. I wanted to cry.
I'm still being mind fucked by that annoying little question, "If I don't do drugs, what will I put in their place? What will I fill that void with?"
I replaced starving with getting fucked up. Would I go back to starving?
We bought some suboxone from our roommate. We made the right decision, last night. We could have bought a pill. I wanted one. I know he did.
I'm scared we won't be able to keep it up. I know we will get fucked up on Friday when he gets paid. I have convinced myself that's okay. But it's NOT. How can I know that it's not but still think that it is? Explain that to me.
Anorexia almost destroyed me but I shook her away at the last minute. Only to let a little blue pill, or fucking heroin, finish what she started? I don't want that.