Tuesday, April 12, 2011

"Is anybody out there?"

I am an idiot and you can disregard my last post. The one about me complaining like "oh-I-am-so-tired-and-I-don't-know-why?" Yeah, I was dope sick. I do such an effective job lying to myself about how bad my boyfriend and I have let our habit get that I actually FORGET that I get dope sick. Every time it happens I'm like "huhh....whas goin onnnnn?" like an asshole until my guy gets home and is like "We need to get a pill or something, I feel like shit." I'm such a pathetic person.
And I'm really scared, you guys.
Last night when he came home he told me he considered buying a pill and not telling me. Just doing it himself.
He didn't, and I'm glad he told me even though it really did kind of hurt.
But I understand. I have to.
He was sick. Drugs are terrible. It's evil.
They fuck everything up.

It doesn't matter that he loves me and that I'm sick too because it's drugs, and drugs don't give a fuck who you are in love with.

I guess I have to look at it as if I was in his shoes. If I had money coming in and I could do it, I might consider it too. How many times have I considered not eating, or purging, and just not telling him? I could get away with it. I know it's different, because he's never been ED, but the concept is the same. Deceit.
I want to say didn't know it was this bad. I guess I was trying to put it out of my mind.
We need to stop before we start lying to each other. We need to stop anyway.

We had a long talk about it at the laundromat. I wanted to cry.
I'm still being mind fucked by that  annoying little question, "If I don't do drugs, what will I put in their place? What will I fill that void with?"
I replaced starving with getting fucked up. Would I go back to starving?

We bought some suboxone from our roommate. We made the right decision, last night. We could have bought a pill. I wanted one. I know he did.
I'm scared we won't be able to keep it up. I know we will get fucked up on Friday when he gets paid. I have convinced myself that's okay. But it's NOT. How can I know that it's not but still think that it is? Explain that to me.

Anorexia almost destroyed me but I shook her away at the last minute. Only to let a little blue pill, or fucking heroin, finish what she started? I don't want that.


  1. People do things we know we shouldn't do often. But, remember you do have the power to say no. Their are hotlines, therapy, rehabilitation centers for drug addiction. Why not go to group therapy or something like that when he gets paid instead.

  2. You can learn a lot from doing drugs,and sex is a wonderful thin, but imo true personal power and well being comes from doing and accomplishing things we love to do and that awareness. ..things you can point a finger to and be proud of or acting to help others because you feel like you want to.
    I think your blog might be an example of this type of thing depending on how much you enjoy blogging. Drugs imo should b an aside, a diversion like alcohol is. You have to be aware of their power and the potential for creating problems . :)
    Crying With A Sense Of Human

  3. Jenny (in repsonse to comment on my blog) - I am a TOTAL fatass and never work out...so obv I can only blame myself for failure after failure. Some weekends are the same for me....I am so fucked on a mixture of drugs and booze that I dont want to eat at all. But now that I lost my license I sit home alone most times and if I'm not out and about when I'm high I binge SOOOOO bad if no one is home. I find during the week is easier bc I dont party as much and I am at work for most of the day so Im not around any food or temptations. I need to get where your at on the weekends!! Thanks for the input and reading my blog!

    It's so nice to find a fellow dope head. (and now that i have read your blog i see what you mean - when I was doped out i wouldnt eat for days, my issues are bc of weed now. ugh) Not that Im proud or anything. I just havent really found any ED blogs that have serious drug issues too and its nice to be able to relate to you. I had a serious heroin problem for four years, been clean for a year and two monthsish but still fight my demons with pills, booze and various other party favors. Lean on me whenever you need and feel free to email me if you ever wanna chat some more. :) I look forward to following your blog.