Friday, April 8, 2011

Why I Find Myself Here Again

Honestly, it took watching my boyfriend return to an online community he once enjoyed to make me realize how much I missed this place. How much I owe to all of you, once my only outlet, the only people I could confide in, the only people who knew what really went on in my twisted little head. I'm not sure where I would be without you guys. I may owe my life to you all, in some strange way.

I suppose the difference between him and me is that he got to use his old account. He wasn't forced away, he just left. Was able to pick up where he left off. What I have to do is much harder and sucks so much more. I want to be able to tell you all who I once was, direct you to my old blog (which is deleted and you can't read but I still see the link on many of your profiles.) You see, I have the patience of a little kid who really has to use the bathroom, jumping up and down and feeling like days have passed since I began waiting, even though it's really only been a few minutes. I just want it to explode, BOOM. Hundreds of followers like I used to have. Well, that's pretty unrealistic, and VERY undeserved. I know that. Anyway, I'm just going to have to wait.

Today is Friday and I will tear the head off of anything that tries to bring me down.
On my old blog, I once asked something along the lines of, "What is the point of life if you don't have a lot of sex and do a lot of drugs?"
I caught a little bit of shit for that, but honestly, even from the somewhat solid ground I'm standing on now, I can't answer that question for the life of me.

I still have a lot of sex. Just with one man and I wouldn't ever have it any other way, but god is it still fucking important to me to have a lot of sex.
And I suppose, depending on who you are and on how your own experiences have shaped your opinion, I still do a lot of drugs.
I'm not trying not to, I just usually can't afford it. Ha.
Welcome to the real world, little girl.
Now that I don't have mommy and daddy's medicine cabinet to steal from, I have gained a little perspective on the matter. There were no repercussions before, only that I might get caught. And I honestly didn't fucking care.
Now if my boyfriend and I get fucked up, we might not be able to eat (I try very hard to be upset by that,) or be able to do laundry, etc. We've made some stupid decisions, especially at first, but we are learning and I am proud of where we are.
Still, I can't help but wonder, what in the world am I supposed to fill my life with, if not this?
I can't decide if I have learned a lot or nothing at all.


  1. Thanks for following me. I'm curious to know who you were before and if I was a follower?


  2. Well I looked at your profile and it doesn't have my old blog under it so I don't think that you were, but I'm glad you are now :)

  3. Sex and drugs are the greatest things in this world.
    Why live life fearing the unknown?
    Most people are just scared.
    I love it, wouldnt change a thing.
    :) im trying to figure you out! So so curious to know what blog you were under before.... determined to figure this one out!

  4. I really wish I felt comfortable telling everyone who I was. Hell, I wish I could have just resumed using my old account. But a part of me is still terrified that my father is looking out for me on here (he found my blog! And I wasn't any sort of recovering back was not pretty.) Sarah, you WERE following me haha, and I remember following you and being very impressed with the way you write.
    <3 Jenny