Friday, April 22, 2011

It's not fair that I still freak out over shit like this.

Today is one of those days where recovery doesn't really seem worth it.
I'm having a fat day.
I should have seen this coming, with the way I've been shamelessly devouring anything salty, greasy, fatty, and calorie-laden.
I should have known that all the shame I shook off at the time would eventually find me. And that it would be strong, having had time to build up, while I would be weak, too tired from the mess of carbohydrates I had consumed to fight it off.
Have I gained weight? I don't know. There's no scale here. My measurements haven't gone up, couldn't have gained too much, right? I'm not supposed to be fretting over a few pounds anyway, dammit. I'm better, I'm recovering, I love myself blahblahblahblahblah thingsI'mnotevensureifImeanorbelievemostofthetime blahblahblah.

In all likelihood I just feel a little heavier because B and I didn't eat dinner last night until after midnight.
And it was PASTA.

I don't want to talk about what I eat too much, because to most of you who aren't in recovery, it would seem really, really disgusting. You would think I weighed 190392930023002302lbs. I don't, I assure you. I am of average weight. My BMI is 19.6. Though I am just as surprised I don't weigh 190392930023002302lbs as you are.

But I have to prove to myself that I am stronger than this. I'm about to have my first meal of the day. I contemplated fasting. I miss fasting. But I am making the right decision, I am winning.


  1. Great job on still choosing recovery. You have true strength.

  2. Hope you feel better hun! Do what's best for you!

  3. Thank you for your comment, I'm so glad I'm not the only one. Like sometimes I can get myself in a good routine with exercise, but then I stop for a while and it's very hard to get back again.
    Wow, thank you for saying that but don't admire me, I'm not doing that great right now, thank you so much for saying it though it means a lot.

    Don't admire me, you are in recovery, you are trying to get better, I admire ou for making that decision!

  4. Thank you Rachel. Most of the time I am very happy to be in recovery. I think I am doing well, overall.
    I haven't gone without eating for any significant amount of time in a few months and I haven't purged in about nine months.
    Every day it is hard. I have to make a conscious decision not to fast every morning, and throughout the day I have to persuade myself to eat meals.
    It's so hard to eat the right things, too. I know that just because I'm in recovery doesn't mean I should pig out McDonald's or something equally gross and fattening, but goddammit if I have to eat I get so tempted to go all out and binge. But then that's disordered too.
    I'm going to get through this though. No matter how hard it is.
    Thank you so much for your support. And Happy Easter!
    Stay strong,
    <3 Jenny

  5. A little over a year ago I was 250 lbs and didnt exercise. I got a bad case of GERD and couldnt eat. If I ate too much Id get a gerd attack which feels like a heart attack. By a miracle, and thanks to prilosec my gerd is gone. During the illness I lost 90 lbs. Im back up to 210 now and jog and work out at the gym 3 days a week. Although I thought I was going to die a few times and almost did, it was the best thing that ever happened because it gave me a taste of what suffering really is, and I swore if I ever got over it id be healthy. I still drink alcohol and snacks but limit myself to once or twice a week.
    I cut out most bread and eat apples with my meals. I am slowly developing a stomach so I have to be careful but that just means more running in the morning and less inbetween meal snacks. Mentally i feel ok lately so I guess im lucky in that department but the fact remains, its VERY HARD NOT TO GET FAT!! I have to work at it all the time or it slowly will build back.

  6. Thank you for the comment, I'm sorry its taken me so long to get back you you! ^.^; Your words were wonderful and very well timed <3

    Recovery is a hard fight, but its worth it in the end. You can do it! Yikes, a big pasta dinner after midnight would still have a normal person feeling blech the next day >.<

    You are an ASS-KICKER!! You are amazing. Tell the ED Demon voice to go play on the road with the traffic, you're enjoying your breakfast.


  7. It takes a lot of strength to go into recovery, I'm rooting for you!