Friday, April 15, 2011


I'm not sure if it's counter-productive to my recovery to post measurements....I do not care.
My thinking behind it is this: We do not currently have a scale in our apartment, and we can't afford to buy one [read: we keep spending the money we could use to buy one on stupid shit] so I've been measuring myself excessively to make sure I'm not blowing up into a giant monster.
I was smart enough to bring a little measuring tape with me three months ago when I moved here. I didn't think my mom would appreciate me jacking her bathroom scales though.
I figure if I post my measurements on here I'll be able to look back and see what I was, and what the exact date was. That way I can't lie to myself. Could blow up in my face...we'll see.
They are as follows:
Bust: 35 in (I have huge tits...hate it, boyfriend loooves it)
Waist: 24 in
Hips: 34 in

I didn't get too in-depth. I didn't want to look obsessive. I mean, I don't want to BE obsessive. You know.
I have a question. Can I try to lose weight, like a healthy person, and receive any outcome OTHER than spiraling downward back into anorexia? I've  been contemplating this. I'd like to lose an inch around my bust and two each around my waist and hips. I just don't want to go back to the way I was before. I'm so scared of that.

Forgive me for the non-existent segue into "this is how the past few days went for me" but this post has to cover a lot of ground and I don't seem to have the mental capacity for smooth transitions right now.

Wednesday my boyfriend, who I shall call B from this point on because I am sick of referring to him in such an impersonal way, didn't work because it was pouring rain. He does physical labor and is outside the whole time so work got canceled. It sucks because that's a whole day he won't get paid for when he gets his paycheck (today!) but I had the day off too and it was SO nice to just lay around with him all day and be loved. I came into some money Wednesday night which we promptly spent on drugs. Then we cuffed some more off the drug dealer next door (who, by the way, must be a HUGE idiot because we have fucked him over doing this exact same thing a handful of times in the past few months.) I'm glad we held off on taking the last of our suboxone, because it was so fucking nice to be high. It felt like it had been weeks. It had been three nights [read: pathetic]

Yesterday I worked from noon to six. I work in retail now, so...yeah, it sucks. I felt really nauseous most of the afternoon and I threw up during my break. I threw up on Tuesday night too. I'm not sure what that's all about, honestly. It's kind of scaring me. I hope I'm not seriously sick.
B picked me up right after work and seemed in good spirits except for the terrible headache he was complaining of. It's so hard for me to see him in pain. I would take it all away from him in a second if I could.
I found out later why his spirits were so high when the drug dealer next door called and cuffed us drugs, again, even after we failed to pay him for the drugs from Wednesday night. That guy is fucked in the head. B had obviously talked to him earlier and knew it was going to work out that way, so that's why he was so chipper.
So we did drugs, again.
We laid in bed for a long time after that, just loving each other.
When B wants to cuddle, I know I am about the feel like the most loved thing on earth. He is perfect.
When he felt better I did the dishes while he cooked an amazing dinner. We ate it, then had amazing sex. Which, by the way, we've had for the past three nights.
Sex life=win.
Drug, depends on how you look at it.

Today is Friday and B will get paid. Not me, though. I get paid bi-weekly. Sucks. My paycheck is so pitiful though it barely makes a difference. Hopefully we manage to spend a little of our money on things that we need. Food, laundry, etc. I feel so much better about blowing the last of our money on drugs when we at least have everything we need to get through the week. We are getting more responsible in that way. Used to be by the time Wednesday rolled around we couldn't even afford a pack of smokes. You don't want to be around either of us during a nicotine fit. He flips out over everything and everything makes me cry. If I weren't too busy crying I might think it was pretty comical.
I guess I'll have more to write about tonight by the time tomorrow rolls around.
Sorry this post was all over the place. Thank you for bearing with me.

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post, with support and advice. It means a lot to me, girls. Thank you. A big thanks to Jamie, because it is so nice to find someone to relate to. I remember you from my old blog and your comments always came from a place of understanding. Thank you <3

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